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Piranesi by Susanna Clarke
Sep. 24th, 2020 01:10 pmWell. It got here. I started it at about 10:30, stopped for lunch around 11, and then from 11:30-1:00 or so I just read it straight through. So this is a very first impressions kind of post rather than a seasoned review. I might have more thoughts later.
( spoilers ahoy )
( spoilers ahoy )
One year on T
Aug. 29th, 2020 12:52 pmThe 28th was my year-date on testosterone, so I wanted to do a reflection post for myself if nothing else.
( as i'm typing this i honestly have no idea where it will go )
( as i'm typing this i honestly have no idea where it will go )
I had an extremely productive meeting with my dissertation supervisor and I'm feeling a lot better. To be honest, I started feeling a lot better after having a complete meltdown a couple of nights ago because I was so wracked with anxiety and pain, so I guess I just needed to cry for half an hour? So I think I'm going forward with it, for now.
But I do need to make sure that I try and build support here, because the last couple of weeks have been really scary. I don't know whether I want to go to Bow next year or bring him here ASAP, and I suspect it will depend on which will be more feasible from an immigration standpoint. I have my wind back now, but I really, really need to make sure that I'm prepared for the next time this happens. Because it probably will happen again. And it's going to be very important that I don't have to try to find solutions mid-breakdown because that did not work.
I also need to make sure that I'm building in breaks and rest with far more diligence than I have in the past. I've been doing okay at that lately, honestly because I feel like my body has forced me to at gunpoint, but I need to make sure that I don't push myself when I'm feeling stronger again. My usual approach has been for a long time, "if there's work to do I have to do it and if there's no work to do I need to invent some", but apparently that doesn't work. I...need to find out a way to do fun things that doesn't turn into A Different Kind Of Stress. God only knows how because I have a brain that is build for stress.
And, also, I think I've learned the lesson that I really cannot seek a career in academia. This is possibly sustainable for two more years with care, but I'm not going to have the ability to do it for the rest of my life. Also, if I ditch academia as a goal, it matters a lot less whether I get anything else published, which is a huge source of stress for me, so....yeah, I need a regular job. I'm just not good enough at creating my own work-life balance, not with my brain, and I honestly cannot see myself maintaining my mental health in an environment where there are so, so many plates in the air at once.
So, I am tentatively moving on with things, but with a very strong note to try and uhhh NOT keep doing what I've been doing because CLEARLY it did not work. And at the end of the summer I'm going to revisit the whole thing again and make sure that I'm still okay with moving forward. If not, I'll talk to my supervisor about doing an MA thesis instead, building off my QP2.
But I do need to make sure that I try and build support here, because the last couple of weeks have been really scary. I don't know whether I want to go to Bow next year or bring him here ASAP, and I suspect it will depend on which will be more feasible from an immigration standpoint. I have my wind back now, but I really, really need to make sure that I'm prepared for the next time this happens. Because it probably will happen again. And it's going to be very important that I don't have to try to find solutions mid-breakdown because that did not work.
I also need to make sure that I'm building in breaks and rest with far more diligence than I have in the past. I've been doing okay at that lately, honestly because I feel like my body has forced me to at gunpoint, but I need to make sure that I don't push myself when I'm feeling stronger again. My usual approach has been for a long time, "if there's work to do I have to do it and if there's no work to do I need to invent some", but apparently that doesn't work. I...need to find out a way to do fun things that doesn't turn into A Different Kind Of Stress. God only knows how because I have a brain that is build for stress.
And, also, I think I've learned the lesson that I really cannot seek a career in academia. This is possibly sustainable for two more years with care, but I'm not going to have the ability to do it for the rest of my life. Also, if I ditch academia as a goal, it matters a lot less whether I get anything else published, which is a huge source of stress for me, so....yeah, I need a regular job. I'm just not good enough at creating my own work-life balance, not with my brain, and I honestly cannot see myself maintaining my mental health in an environment where there are so, so many plates in the air at once.
So, I am tentatively moving on with things, but with a very strong note to try and uhhh NOT keep doing what I've been doing because CLEARLY it did not work. And at the end of the summer I'm going to revisit the whole thing again and make sure that I'm still okay with moving forward. If not, I'll talk to my supervisor about doing an MA thesis instead, building off my QP2.
re: butchness
May. 25th, 2020 02:55 pmI have more thoughts that I cannot put on tumblr because I don't want to be yelled at by the "butch is only for lesbians" crowd so please forgive me dumping them here.
( semantic satiation on the word )
( semantic satiation on the word )
the usual retrospective
Dec. 31st, 2019 10:00 pmWhat's up everybody! I survived going home! I didn't have to argue with anyone or talk about politics so it was fine. Emotions are happening but I'm still processing them. Meanwhile:
( Stuff Made breakdown )
( Stuff Made breakdown )
a general update I guess
Dec. 26th, 2019 01:50 pmDone with the semester, which means probably pretty much done with coursework. Haven't checked my grades, whoopee, but I probably did fine. It's been....stressful. I'm not taking classes this upcoming semester so hopefully I will be better rested. I'll be doing teaching and, HOPEFULLY, the second draft of my qualifying paper, assuming my SUPERVISOR gets the COMMENTS to me. He's a very busy man so it always takes forever but I'm like Sir Please It's Been Four Months.
That's why I've not been posting or commenting the last...couple of months....? I just felt completely overwhelmed and not up to the kind of interpersonal interaction Dreamwidth fosters, and I don't want this platform to be a chore. Tbh, I've been so severely burnt out the last while that even answering texts and messages on tumblr has felt like torture, so. Better to step away from things when possible. I've had my tumblr post notifications off for like two months. It's been pretty bad, which is weird because I was only taking 3 classes and teaching 1, but I guess the burnout reached a critical mass.
I've been doing way less work than usual because Bowman is here, and I've been feeling awful about it (resting feels bad! brain feels slow!) but today I got on the computer to do work for my second job and I did THREE complete articles. Which I've never done. So I guess intensive rest is having a little bit of effect. I'm gonna try to dial back my activities this upcoming semester, hopefully.
I'm going back to Ohio in two days, but I'm not feeling optimistic about it. I hate traveling because I hate not sleeping in my own bed. And it feels like ripping a scab off and I don't feel emotionally strong enough to handle seeing my family again.
( Read more... )
I really want to write a post about kink stuff because I've thought about things, so if I feel strong enough maybe I'll do that later.
T is going pretty good; I've upped my dose just this week but my voice is starting to change and I have one (1) hair on my chin now. It's changing my thoughts on future transition options in a good way. Might post about that later too to get my thoughts out.
Also! The novel I'm writing is 13 chapters in, out of maybe....17, 20? So that's pretty cool! I hope to finish not just this draft but hopefully the next one in this upcoming year. Maybe.
That's why I've not been posting or commenting the last...couple of months....? I just felt completely overwhelmed and not up to the kind of interpersonal interaction Dreamwidth fosters, and I don't want this platform to be a chore. Tbh, I've been so severely burnt out the last while that even answering texts and messages on tumblr has felt like torture, so. Better to step away from things when possible. I've had my tumblr post notifications off for like two months. It's been pretty bad, which is weird because I was only taking 3 classes and teaching 1, but I guess the burnout reached a critical mass.
I've been doing way less work than usual because Bowman is here, and I've been feeling awful about it (resting feels bad! brain feels slow!) but today I got on the computer to do work for my second job and I did THREE complete articles. Which I've never done. So I guess intensive rest is having a little bit of effect. I'm gonna try to dial back my activities this upcoming semester, hopefully.
I'm going back to Ohio in two days, but I'm not feeling optimistic about it. I hate traveling because I hate not sleeping in my own bed. And it feels like ripping a scab off and I don't feel emotionally strong enough to handle seeing my family again.
( Read more... )
I really want to write a post about kink stuff because I've thought about things, so if I feel strong enough maybe I'll do that later.
T is going pretty good; I've upped my dose just this week but my voice is starting to change and I have one (1) hair on my chin now. It's changing my thoughts on future transition options in a good way. Might post about that later too to get my thoughts out.
Also! The novel I'm writing is 13 chapters in, out of maybe....17, 20? So that's pretty cool! I hope to finish not just this draft but hopefully the next one in this upcoming year. Maybe.
Won't be a long one probably? as I don't have a lot of spoons, but I finished the series last night and I really feel I've got to post Thoughts because I have Feelings.
( basically robots are fertile ground for emotional projection )
( basically robots are fertile ground for emotional projection )
It's called While Sumer Ilast and it's about queer longing and community-building in the wake of the plague.
( Also it's my new special interest which is bad bc there's 2/3rds of a novel of it )
( Also it's my new special interest which is bad bc there's 2/3rds of a novel of it )
(no subject)
Oct. 2nd, 2019 06:18 pm I haven't posted anything in ages bc the semester started and then I immediately started the process of getting T and then got sick so it's been one thing after another, but here's a quick update because maybe that will shake some thoughts loose for the future:
- my Kindle (a refurbished Kindle 4, the generation from 2012) died, and I am now engaged in a bidding war on ebay for a used Kindle 3, because I am an ungrateful bog creature who doesn't want a touch screen. I just want an ereader with a battery that lasts a week of constant reading and does nothing except calling up books and downloading books. If it has a keyboard for notes and costs $30 including shipping, so much the better. I don't want to have to smear my greasy fingers over the screen and I don't want glare. BAH.
- Anyway, I took an emergency library trip and got among other things the entire last four Temeraire books, Shada, and the Rebecca Roanhorse novel I've been wait for for Ever, so probably I'll do some book reviews soonish.
- Bowman wrote a novel and it's destroying my life. WHY IS IT NOT PUBLISHED YET. WHY ISN'T THERE A FANDOM YET. I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT GILBERT/THOMAS. I should probably make a separate post JUST to tell you all about how much I love this novel bc I have to tell someone who isn't the author.
- I sound upset when I talk now and it's probably T! Voice Changes!! I thought it was too early but three separate people on tumblr said "nope that sounds right." So I'm very excited about that.
- This crop of my students are going to have a very weird time with their teacher's voice gently dropping as the semester winds on. It's probably good I'm only teaching 1 this semester, because I feel like talking is going to become increasingly strained, especially because I'm terrible at remembering to lower my voice to stop it from breaking.
- Honestly? this is going to be a weird time for Everyone in my life because I have not told one person in my day-to-day life I'm on T because it's none of their business. I think there's 2 people I interact with regularly who know I'm trans. They have no context for me suddenly undergoing Second Puberty. I wonder if anyone will actually ask.
- Otherwise thus far the main effects have been spots and sweat, urgh, and NSFW stuff that I'm not gonna talk about but am moderately pleased with. To the degree that I might be feeling gender euphoria? Or gender confirmation, or something.
- I'm going home to visit Ohio over the winter break and Bowman's coming with me. This is good, because I'm going to have to come out to at least some of my family (my sister and my mother are the most urgent). My current plan is to text them and then hand my phone to Bowman and make him field particularly my mother's rampant religious anger, because that sort of thing doesn't frighten him the way it does me.
- I'm taking two education classes and it's LOATHSOME but I'm also taking a corpus linguistics class and that's fun. Why is typing into a command prompt box so exciting? I really like doing very basic programming/computering things even though it's extremely challenging for me.
- I'm making baby quilts for my two cousins' kids to take with me to Ohio!
mini book reviews!
Sep. 10th, 2019 06:26 pmI've been read a lot of reviewable books but not writing about it lately. I read three recentish historical low fantasy novels in quick succession and thought I was going to love them and actually...all of them disappointed me in various ways (though a couple I still liked some parts of), so I'm just going to complain about them instead of doing proper full-on reviews.
1. The Mermaid and Mrs. Hancock by Imogen Hermes Gowar
( Read more... )2. City of Brass S. A. Chakraborty
( Read more... )3. Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente
( Read more... )
1. The Mermaid and Mrs. Hancock by Imogen Hermes Gowar
( Read more... )2. City of Brass S. A. Chakraborty
( Read more... )3. Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente
( Read more... )
assorted Gender Things
Aug. 17th, 2019 06:15 pmHi everybody I am being a terrible correspondent right now because the semester started this week, but what's up?
( quick update on transition stuff )
Anyway...the real point of this post is actually Gender Theoretics.
( do i struggle to word this because it doesn't make sense or because i don't understand gender because i'm agender )
( quick update on transition stuff )
Anyway...the real point of this post is actually Gender Theoretics.
( do i struggle to word this because it doesn't make sense or because i don't understand gender because i'm agender )
transition stuff
Jun. 30th, 2019 06:37 pm Most of this is Name Stuff, a more-elaborated version of something I've already posted on tumblr, but also Other Transition Thoughts
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
I picked this up at the local library's Pride display, which had a bunch of queer books on it. Please don't expect objectivity of me, folks, this maybe my favorite new book I've read this year.
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
So the Good Omens TV show is out. This isn't a Good Omens post. Good Omens is an illustrative example. The Good Omens show is out and competing people on my tumblr dash are saying "it's really hurtful to me how explicitly queerbait-y Aziraphale and Crowley are in the show" and "stop asking Neil Gaiman to confirm that Aziraphale and Crowley have an explicitly romantic/sexual relationship, because things that aren't those two but are still intimate and deep are also important."
It's stressing me out because I...think they're both right. I mean I haven't watched the show yet, but I've seen enough gifs to get the drift of both arguments and also obviously I've read the book many times and if the relationship is portrayed similarly (and I've been told it is) then yes, I understand.
( Read more... )
It's stressing me out because I...think they're both right. I mean I haven't watched the show yet, but I've seen enough gifs to get the drift of both arguments and also obviously I've read the book many times and if the relationship is portrayed similarly (and I've been told it is) then yes, I understand.
( Read more... )
It's been a while since I did a book review! It's not that I haven't been reading, it's just nothing of what I've been reading has fit my fairly narrow criteria for something that I'd like to talk about here. (Tbh I've been stress-rereading a lot of Agatha Christie for some reason).
I've seen a fair bit of hype about this book, so I was happy to be able to get it from the library. My general feeling is...I liked it a great deal, but not quite as much as I was hoping for.
( Read more... )
I've seen a fair bit of hype about this book, so I was happy to be able to get it from the library. My general feeling is...I liked it a great deal, but not quite as much as I was hoping for.
( Read more... )
