a general update I guess
Dec. 26th, 2019 01:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookhobbitDone with the semester, which means probably pretty much done with coursework. Haven't checked my grades, whoopee, but I probably did fine. It's been....stressful. I'm not taking classes this upcoming semester so hopefully I will be better rested. I'll be doing teaching and, HOPEFULLY, the second draft of my qualifying paper, assuming my SUPERVISOR gets the COMMENTS to me. He's a very busy man so it always takes forever but I'm like Sir Please It's Been Four Months.
That's why I've not been posting or commenting the last...couple of months....? I just felt completely overwhelmed and not up to the kind of interpersonal interaction Dreamwidth fosters, and I don't want this platform to be a chore. Tbh, I've been so severely burnt out the last while that even answering texts and messages on tumblr has felt like torture, so. Better to step away from things when possible. I've had my tumblr post notifications off for like two months. It's been pretty bad, which is weird because I was only taking 3 classes and teaching 1, but I guess the burnout reached a critical mass.
I've been doing way less work than usual because Bowman is here, and I've been feeling awful about it (resting feels bad! brain feels slow!) but today I got on the computer to do work for my second job and I did THREE complete articles. Which I've never done. So I guess intensive rest is having a little bit of effect. I'm gonna try to dial back my activities this upcoming semester, hopefully.
I'm going back to Ohio in two days, but I'm not feeling optimistic about it. I hate traveling because I hate not sleeping in my own bed. And it feels like ripping a scab off and I don't feel emotionally strong enough to handle seeing my family again.
I get so homesick, and I miss home so much, but the last time I was home was right after my dad died. And everything's different now, so I don't really belong there. I am, quite simply, not the person I was when I left home, and I cannot explain this to people back home, and it hurts really bad that it doesn't fit there anymore. I feel like I've changed shape in all the wrong ways to ever go back, but I miss it so so much. I feel like I've exiled myself by my own direction of growth.
And I'm not out to my family, but I'm planning to come out via text after I get home (you know, because if I come out before, there's always a chance that I might not be able to go back up and stay with my sister! and because I don't want to give my mom a chance to talk to me about this to my face! ) and it's going to be rough to go back up there and pretend to be Katrina. Oh, and my mom doesn't know I'm bringing Bowman up, because I CANNOT be bothered to tell her things things beforehand and deal with the interrogation. It's none of her business.
I mean I'm only coming out to her bc I'm tired of hiding and being scared. I'd rather rip the bandaid off and cut ties. I'm tired, tired, tired of having to maintain ties to people who might hate me if they learn who I actually am on any level. I just want her to leave me alone. By text I've got Bowman to run interference with my phone, but in person? She knows every trick to make me immediately dissolve into a puddle of angry and ashamed and terrified child. And she will use them. It's just...been rough.
There's a lot going on emotionally with me right now about safety and support networks and the lack of both in my life but I'm gonna stop myself here before this supposed general update gets too depressing.
I really want to write a post about kink stuff because I've thought about things, so if I feel strong enough maybe I'll do that later.
T is going pretty good; I've upped my dose just this week but my voice is starting to change and I have one (1) hair on my chin now. It's changing my thoughts on future transition options in a good way. Might post about that later too to get my thoughts out.
Also! The novel I'm writing is 13 chapters in, out of maybe....17, 20? So that's pretty cool! I hope to finish not just this draft but hopefully the next one in this upcoming year. Maybe.
That's why I've not been posting or commenting the last...couple of months....? I just felt completely overwhelmed and not up to the kind of interpersonal interaction Dreamwidth fosters, and I don't want this platform to be a chore. Tbh, I've been so severely burnt out the last while that even answering texts and messages on tumblr has felt like torture, so. Better to step away from things when possible. I've had my tumblr post notifications off for like two months. It's been pretty bad, which is weird because I was only taking 3 classes and teaching 1, but I guess the burnout reached a critical mass.
I've been doing way less work than usual because Bowman is here, and I've been feeling awful about it (resting feels bad! brain feels slow!) but today I got on the computer to do work for my second job and I did THREE complete articles. Which I've never done. So I guess intensive rest is having a little bit of effect. I'm gonna try to dial back my activities this upcoming semester, hopefully.
I'm going back to Ohio in two days, but I'm not feeling optimistic about it. I hate traveling because I hate not sleeping in my own bed. And it feels like ripping a scab off and I don't feel emotionally strong enough to handle seeing my family again.
I get so homesick, and I miss home so much, but the last time I was home was right after my dad died. And everything's different now, so I don't really belong there. I am, quite simply, not the person I was when I left home, and I cannot explain this to people back home, and it hurts really bad that it doesn't fit there anymore. I feel like I've changed shape in all the wrong ways to ever go back, but I miss it so so much. I feel like I've exiled myself by my own direction of growth.
And I'm not out to my family, but I'm planning to come out via text after I get home (you know, because if I come out before, there's always a chance that I might not be able to go back up and stay with my sister! and because I don't want to give my mom a chance to talk to me about this to my face! ) and it's going to be rough to go back up there and pretend to be Katrina. Oh, and my mom doesn't know I'm bringing Bowman up, because I CANNOT be bothered to tell her things things beforehand and deal with the interrogation. It's none of her business.
I mean I'm only coming out to her bc I'm tired of hiding and being scared. I'd rather rip the bandaid off and cut ties. I'm tired, tired, tired of having to maintain ties to people who might hate me if they learn who I actually am on any level. I just want her to leave me alone. By text I've got Bowman to run interference with my phone, but in person? She knows every trick to make me immediately dissolve into a puddle of angry and ashamed and terrified child. And she will use them. It's just...been rough.
There's a lot going on emotionally with me right now about safety and support networks and the lack of both in my life but I'm gonna stop myself here before this supposed general update gets too depressing.
I really want to write a post about kink stuff because I've thought about things, so if I feel strong enough maybe I'll do that later.
T is going pretty good; I've upped my dose just this week but my voice is starting to change and I have one (1) hair on my chin now. It's changing my thoughts on future transition options in a good way. Might post about that later too to get my thoughts out.
Also! The novel I'm writing is 13 chapters in, out of maybe....17, 20? So that's pretty cool! I hope to finish not just this draft but hopefully the next one in this upcoming year. Maybe.
