bookhobbit | the usual retrospective

What's up everybody! I survived going home! I didn't have to argue with anyone or talk about politics so it was fine. Emotions are happening but I'm still processing them. Meanwhile:

Creatively, I managed at least one piece of art per month again. I'm pretty happy with that! As far as fanfic goes, my ao3 count is 42,756, almost all towards the beginning/middle of the year. Most of that, in fact, was one single 30,000 word fic posted in March. But that's underselling what I actually wrote; I've done a ton of drawer fic I've only shown to Bowman, because it's about his novel characters. I just counted that up and it was an extra 18,000 or so, bringing me up to about 61k. This is way down from last year's 104k, but it's also much higher than 2017's 21k. I seem to write more fic on even years than odd years.

I've also made significant progress on a novel, which I started in 2016 and hated the first draft of and shoved in a drawer. This year I've been tearing it up and rewriting most of it, and I've finished 13 out of a potential 20ish chapters.

On the mental health front I guess there's been progress. I learned a lot, I guess, about how my brain works, and I've also received a vivid lesson on the value of rest. It's not feeling great right now. Going back home was....rough, and Bowman leaves in eleven days, and the semester starts in six and I'm not really ready. I'm feeling kind of scraped raw and broken apart right now, which is not an awesome start to the new year. I just hope it gets better from here.

I'm doing okay academically, I'm on track, but I'm increasingly aware of how difficult things like conference papers and writing extra stuff is for me. This is somewhat worrying re: my job prospects, and this is my third year, so I should really be thinking about it. But disability stuff and money stuff makes that hard. It might get better if I get less burnt out, but that's going to take a lot of rest beforehand, which is frustrating and stressful.

-Last year, my goals were:
1. Do something about the gender issues. I don't know what. Something. At least talk to the gyno about birth control options.
I'm on T now, which is something. I'm also dressing a bit more like me, so that's helpful. Bowman's helped a lot with both getting me and encouraging me to get clothes that suit what I'm aiming for.
2. Learn to drive over the summer? Maybe? I'm so embarrassed that I'm 25 and don't have a license. This might need to wait till 2020 though for It's Easier If I'm Not Doing Coursework reasons. I would like to get my drivers license before I get my PhD though.
Didn't manage this one...I acknowledged I might not though.
3. Complete my next QP and get my thesis proposal ready; also, ideally, get started on the teaching certificate I want to take. I do have to face the fact that this part of the timeline is heavily dependent on People Other Than Me, but. I'd also like to start doing a lot more academic reading, which I find difficult to focus on, so, resolution I guess.
Well, I have my QP2 first drafted and I'm waiting to hear back from my advisor....as I have been for the past four months....but that's not actually my fault, although I should remind him when the new semester starts. I got started on the teaching certificate, and indeed finished the coursework for it. I didn't really do more academic reading, but I'm okay with that because It's Been Rough this semester, in part due to my own insistence on trying to finish the coursework for my certificate.

This year's goals:
1. Come out to my family, I guess. I don't really want to, but I'm sick of being secretive and having to keep up obligations with people who might quite possibly hate me if I tell them who I really am. Also, it's my turn on the being a disappointment to my mother. Maybe she'll quit talking to me and leave me alone.
2. Really, seriously: start learning how to help myself feel good. Resting, listening to my body, learning about my body. I hope this will help the burnout but it's a necessary skill because I am tired of being miserable.
3. Finish this novel? I'd like to at least get this draft done -- it's five chapters! I can do this! -- but getting the whole thing shaped up would be nice if possibly unrealistic. Dream big or whatever.