family nonsense
Jan. 27th, 2019 02:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookhobbit Here's a post about things I've been thinking about wrt to family lately. It's going to be personal+brain+sad queer feels so feel free to skip it.
I never really properly came out to my dad before he died. I didn't actually ever intend to come out to him, really. Except after he died I remembered about Reggie.
Reggie was a friend of my dad's, someone he grew up with. Although I didn't get much of the backstory - my dad didn't really like talking about his childhood - I get the impression that her dad (a man I knew as Don Hall, full name exclusively, I always think of him as DonHall) looked after my dad after his parents divorced. Reggie and my dad are/were both mechanics by avocation and training, so they got together to work on cars a lot. We'd go to DonHall's house and Reggie (who lived there too; they were a close family) would sort of do that "awkward adult who isn't sure about how to talk to kids but feels goodwill towards them" thing and offer me and my sister a pop and let us watch TV or whatever.
My mother did not like this for three reasons: Reggie let us have sugar, Reggie smoked, and Reggie was very clearly a butch lesbian. She had a longtime partner named Robin who shared a bedroom with her. I didn't know they were girlfriends, obviously, she was introduced to me as Reggie's "friend" and I wasn't allowed to talk to her much. I was very shy of both of them anyhow so I didn't try to circumvent this restriction. I secretly admired her because (so I thought) she had reached adulthood without marrying and because she didn't have to be Girly.
So, my dad had a lifelong butch lesbian friend. I have no idea how he felt about that. He didn't try to keep me and my sister away from her like my mom did, and he clearly got along well with her. So I just keep thinking, like, if I had just told my dad that I was queer, would he have been fine with it because of Reggie? I have no idea how he felt about queer relationships, not the slightest, except that he didn't get as weird around Robin as my mom did. We just never talked about that kind of thing. I wouldn't have known how to bring it up and also I left Ohio way before I liked girls.
It wouldn't have been accurate to tell him or let him believe that I was a butch lesbian, but it's what people tend to think of me because of my combination of gender presentation and being with Keel. Which doesn't bother me that much, mostly. It would be as much as I'd really need my dad to know, but I never told him. For all I know he sorta-knew - my sister sorta-knows and she might have passed that on to him, I dunno - but that's the thing, I really have no idea.
It's just...weird. And my mom's the one who is still alive, but I absolutely cannot, ever, come out to my mom. My mom flipped her lid when I wanted to do an internship with the women's and gender studies program because it had to do with documenting queer history. I mean...she knows I'm ace because she came in without knocking, saw me browsing and ace tumblr on my computer, and directly asked me if I was whatever that was, and then she only mentioned it twice, once to threaten to out my to my stepdad and once to assure me that women ACTUALLY often don't feel sexual desire until after marriage, so if I just find the right man....
Anyway. If I ever come out to her as anything I not continue to keep in contact with her.
So the one parent I had any chance at telling the truth to is dead. But I wasn't close to my dad anyway! We had nothing in common! I'm not sure why it matters!
It's just he stayed out of my business and my mom's chronically incapable of it. Which is one reason why I can't pursue transition stuff: I'm terrified of her finding out and freaking and guilting me. I mean, what if I have to go back and live with her after grad school for a period before I can leave to be with Moll? What would I do if I'd had top surgery before then?
Ugh. Blah. Anyway. I don't even remember what my point was except that parents are really inconvenient and I wish I could have some that I like, could be myself with.
I never really properly came out to my dad before he died. I didn't actually ever intend to come out to him, really. Except after he died I remembered about Reggie.
Reggie was a friend of my dad's, someone he grew up with. Although I didn't get much of the backstory - my dad didn't really like talking about his childhood - I get the impression that her dad (a man I knew as Don Hall, full name exclusively, I always think of him as DonHall) looked after my dad after his parents divorced. Reggie and my dad are/were both mechanics by avocation and training, so they got together to work on cars a lot. We'd go to DonHall's house and Reggie (who lived there too; they were a close family) would sort of do that "awkward adult who isn't sure about how to talk to kids but feels goodwill towards them" thing and offer me and my sister a pop and let us watch TV or whatever.
My mother did not like this for three reasons: Reggie let us have sugar, Reggie smoked, and Reggie was very clearly a butch lesbian. She had a longtime partner named Robin who shared a bedroom with her. I didn't know they were girlfriends, obviously, she was introduced to me as Reggie's "friend" and I wasn't allowed to talk to her much. I was very shy of both of them anyhow so I didn't try to circumvent this restriction. I secretly admired her because (so I thought) she had reached adulthood without marrying and because she didn't have to be Girly.
So, my dad had a lifelong butch lesbian friend. I have no idea how he felt about that. He didn't try to keep me and my sister away from her like my mom did, and he clearly got along well with her. So I just keep thinking, like, if I had just told my dad that I was queer, would he have been fine with it because of Reggie? I have no idea how he felt about queer relationships, not the slightest, except that he didn't get as weird around Robin as my mom did. We just never talked about that kind of thing. I wouldn't have known how to bring it up and also I left Ohio way before I liked girls.
It wouldn't have been accurate to tell him or let him believe that I was a butch lesbian, but it's what people tend to think of me because of my combination of gender presentation and being with Keel. Which doesn't bother me that much, mostly. It would be as much as I'd really need my dad to know, but I never told him. For all I know he sorta-knew - my sister sorta-knows and she might have passed that on to him, I dunno - but that's the thing, I really have no idea.
It's just...weird. And my mom's the one who is still alive, but I absolutely cannot, ever, come out to my mom. My mom flipped her lid when I wanted to do an internship with the women's and gender studies program because it had to do with documenting queer history. I mean...she knows I'm ace because she came in without knocking, saw me browsing and ace tumblr on my computer, and directly asked me if I was whatever that was, and then she only mentioned it twice, once to threaten to out my to my stepdad and once to assure me that women ACTUALLY often don't feel sexual desire until after marriage, so if I just find the right man....
Anyway. If I ever come out to her as anything I not continue to keep in contact with her.
So the one parent I had any chance at telling the truth to is dead. But I wasn't close to my dad anyway! We had nothing in common! I'm not sure why it matters!
It's just he stayed out of my business and my mom's chronically incapable of it. Which is one reason why I can't pursue transition stuff: I'm terrified of her finding out and freaking and guilting me. I mean, what if I have to go back and live with her after grad school for a period before I can leave to be with Moll? What would I do if I'd had top surgery before then?
Ugh. Blah. Anyway. I don't even remember what my point was except that parents are really inconvenient and I wish I could have some that I like, could be myself with.
