bookhobbit (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bookhobbit) wrote2019-06-30 06:37 pm
bookhobbit) wrote2019-06-30 06:37 pm
Entry tags:
transition stuff
Most of this is Name Stuff, a more-elaborated version of something I've already posted on tumblr, but also Other Transition Thoughts
So I've been thinking about names mostly because Bowman's been thinking about names which is just how it is when you're trans but anyway: My legal name is Katrina but I've gone by Kit in the last few years.
I've never been wildly happy about Kit, but I don't hate it, either. It just doesn't bring me particular joy; it's just a working thing that's not too gendered and is plausibly derivable from my given name. Functional, if you will. I like Katrina, but it's extremely gendered. I've been reluctant to change it because I'm attached to it but the thought of having it as my legal name in all school and work systems forevermore makes my heart sink a bit.
A while ago I toyed with the idea of changing it to Katrin but the people I was consulting (tumblr, mostly) thought it was too feminine. I agreed, but I'm...rethinking that a bit. It is a feminine name, statistically speaking (in fact it's derivationally exactly like Katrina) BUT the important cultural context missing from that statement is that I'm an American and I will probably always be operating in Anglophone spheres, where people just Are Not Called Katrin. So I don't think there are going to be strong gendered associations with it in the US or the UK.
This is especially so if I pronounce it kuh-TREEN, which is how I pronounce Katrina, not KAT-rin, which is how the feminine version is generally pronounced.
One sticking point is that Catrin is a common Welsh feminine name (KAT-rin again not kuh-TREEN) and there's a nonzero chance I might wind up living in Wales on account of being betrothed to a Welshman. The spelling and pronunciation variations should help very slightly, though I fully, 100% expect people to stress it incorrectly. Not just in Wales tbh. It's just a thing I'll have to live with. But people already misread it as Katarina, so, like, Whatever.
Anyway...I also realized I could reasonably, plausibly, with more plausibility than Kit in fact, call myself Tree. My childhood nickname was Trina. I could have been doing that THIS WHOLE TIME. THE WHOLE TIME!!* And I reacted so incredibly strongly that I want to put it in my bio. Except I like being Book online, so maybe not, but like. I could have an IRL friend situation where people would call me Tree. I don't know if I could convince coworkers to do that, but. It's nice. That's a good nickname, that fits me. And it's very easy to see how you get it from Katrin, and not so easy to see how you get Kit from Katrina, which is an issue I've run into before.**
Contemplating a change to my chosen middle name as well; I had Eliot before but while I like it very much I'm not massively attached to it, and the stress pattern of kuh-TREEN EL-iot isn't as nice. But that's all right because I had a poke around and immediately found one that works better with my surname than Eliot does anyway, so that's fine.
While thinking about this I realized I could both legally and financially change my name like. This week. I'm not ready to do that yet because I literally just started thinking about it an hour ago but I...could. It's expensive and lengthy around here which is annoying but I could do it.
I might do that because I'm wondering to what degree doing something for transition might help me feel marginally less depressed. I'm starting to wonder if one of the reasons I feel so relentlessly, unpickupably down all the time is Trans Stuff. It's probably not all, but maybe one?
I don't know if I can really get top surgery yet because insurance doesn't cover it (there's a specific clause in my policy that says "no using this for any transition related care" yipee) but. I really do actually want it. I think I'm maybe ready for it, like, emotionally, even though I have no idea how I'd be able to explain it to my mom. I have enough money saved up to cover it, but it would take a big ol' bite out of my savings, which is not great considering that I'm probably going to have to emigrate in a couple of years.
I just think...feeling invisible, gender-wise, has been really taking it out of me, and transition might make me feel less invisible, perhaps, like, more real? But I'm not actually sure how to achieve it. HRT might be easier even though it's probably also not covered, but there's no gender clinics and no planned parenthood in my city (closest is the Big Metro Area a couple of hours away by bus, which is too exhausting for me and can also cost up to $40 per trip because I have no car) so I'm not sure where I'd go for referral. Also not 100% where I stand on HRT anyway, I guess....so probably not that.
I'm just not sure what steps to take. The sensible thing, I know, is to wait until I'm out of grad school, it's just I've been "wait til this" and "wait til that"-ing so long I feel like nothing's ever going to happen. So it's...difficult. Idk.
-
*Also my mother, who didn't like me to call myself Kat because You're Not A Cat You're A Person, would have hated it, but would have had no reason to forbid me from using it, which would have been a small act of welcome rebellion. Not that Kat ever worked for me, I'm just not a Kat.
**My sociohistorical linguistics professor spent half a semester calling me 'Kat', because I was too awkward to correct him after he seemed to assume he had written it down on his roster wrong.
So I've been thinking about names mostly because Bowman's been thinking about names which is just how it is when you're trans but anyway: My legal name is Katrina but I've gone by Kit in the last few years.
I've never been wildly happy about Kit, but I don't hate it, either. It just doesn't bring me particular joy; it's just a working thing that's not too gendered and is plausibly derivable from my given name. Functional, if you will. I like Katrina, but it's extremely gendered. I've been reluctant to change it because I'm attached to it but the thought of having it as my legal name in all school and work systems forevermore makes my heart sink a bit.
A while ago I toyed with the idea of changing it to Katrin but the people I was consulting (tumblr, mostly) thought it was too feminine. I agreed, but I'm...rethinking that a bit. It is a feminine name, statistically speaking (in fact it's derivationally exactly like Katrina) BUT the important cultural context missing from that statement is that I'm an American and I will probably always be operating in Anglophone spheres, where people just Are Not Called Katrin. So I don't think there are going to be strong gendered associations with it in the US or the UK.
This is especially so if I pronounce it kuh-TREEN, which is how I pronounce Katrina, not KAT-rin, which is how the feminine version is generally pronounced.
One sticking point is that Catrin is a common Welsh feminine name (KAT-rin again not kuh-TREEN) and there's a nonzero chance I might wind up living in Wales on account of being betrothed to a Welshman. The spelling and pronunciation variations should help very slightly, though I fully, 100% expect people to stress it incorrectly. Not just in Wales tbh. It's just a thing I'll have to live with. But people already misread it as Katarina, so, like, Whatever.
Anyway...I also realized I could reasonably, plausibly, with more plausibility than Kit in fact, call myself Tree. My childhood nickname was Trina. I could have been doing that THIS WHOLE TIME. THE WHOLE TIME!!* And I reacted so incredibly strongly that I want to put it in my bio. Except I like being Book online, so maybe not, but like. I could have an IRL friend situation where people would call me Tree. I don't know if I could convince coworkers to do that, but. It's nice. That's a good nickname, that fits me. And it's very easy to see how you get it from Katrin, and not so easy to see how you get Kit from Katrina, which is an issue I've run into before.**
Contemplating a change to my chosen middle name as well; I had Eliot before but while I like it very much I'm not massively attached to it, and the stress pattern of kuh-TREEN EL-iot isn't as nice. But that's all right because I had a poke around and immediately found one that works better with my surname than Eliot does anyway, so that's fine.
While thinking about this I realized I could both legally and financially change my name like. This week. I'm not ready to do that yet because I literally just started thinking about it an hour ago but I...could. It's expensive and lengthy around here which is annoying but I could do it.
I might do that because I'm wondering to what degree doing something for transition might help me feel marginally less depressed. I'm starting to wonder if one of the reasons I feel so relentlessly, unpickupably down all the time is Trans Stuff. It's probably not all, but maybe one?
I don't know if I can really get top surgery yet because insurance doesn't cover it (there's a specific clause in my policy that says "no using this for any transition related care" yipee) but. I really do actually want it. I think I'm maybe ready for it, like, emotionally, even though I have no idea how I'd be able to explain it to my mom. I have enough money saved up to cover it, but it would take a big ol' bite out of my savings, which is not great considering that I'm probably going to have to emigrate in a couple of years.
I just think...feeling invisible, gender-wise, has been really taking it out of me, and transition might make me feel less invisible, perhaps, like, more real? But I'm not actually sure how to achieve it. HRT might be easier even though it's probably also not covered, but there's no gender clinics and no planned parenthood in my city (closest is the Big Metro Area a couple of hours away by bus, which is too exhausting for me and can also cost up to $40 per trip because I have no car) so I'm not sure where I'd go for referral. Also not 100% where I stand on HRT anyway, I guess....so probably not that.
I'm just not sure what steps to take. The sensible thing, I know, is to wait until I'm out of grad school, it's just I've been "wait til this" and "wait til that"-ing so long I feel like nothing's ever going to happen. So it's...difficult. Idk.
-
*Also my mother, who didn't like me to call myself Kat because You're Not A Cat You're A Person, would have hated it, but would have had no reason to forbid me from using it, which would have been a small act of welcome rebellion. Not that Kat ever worked for me, I'm just not a Kat.
**My sociohistorical linguistics professor spent half a semester calling me 'Kat', because I was too awkward to correct him after he seemed to assume he had written it down on his roster wrong.