bookhobbit (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bookhobbit) wrote2020-05-25 02:55 pm
bookhobbit) wrote2020-05-25 02:55 pm
Entry tags:
re: butchness
I have more thoughts that I cannot put on tumblr because I don't want to be yelled at by the "butch is only for lesbians" crowd so please forgive me dumping them here.
I've been thinking a lot lately about butchness, and reading a lot lately about butchness, because it feels like the kind of thing you can't develop in isolation. And I've been reading all these essays from places like autostraddle from people who identify as masculine-of-center in some ways. And a lot of them say things like "I don't use the word butch to describe myself because I don't feel like I've earned it because I'm not dysphoric enough", or "I don't use the word butch because my masculinity is softer than that", or "I feel a sense of disconnect from butch-ness because I'm middle class and have an academic job" and stuff like that. And how common it is for women especially to use the phrase "soft butch" to describe their masculinity, feeling a need to qualify it.
And I'm thinking about like....I've shied away from identifying as butch -- in a major way because it's popularly connected with "woman" and specifically "wlw" in ways that are messy for me as a genderqueer aro ace person, but also, very much not insignificantly, because I don't feel like I'm masculine enough, no matter how I dress. Even now, when I don't think I've worn anything from the women's section in about six months. Not that that's a good marker, but it's like, I'm demonstrably not presenting in a way that anyone's liable to read as feminine and I haven't in quite a while.
But in my heart I feel like I'm not masculine enough not just because I used to dress more feminine than I wanted to, but really because I don't have an emotional masculinity in some way. Like...I'm disabled. I can't drive. I'm EXTREMELY anxious. I'm chirpy with strangers in a way that I hate because it feels strange and foreign but it was trained into me and it's hard for me not to do it. I'm desperately accommodating and terrible at protecting my boundaries. I'm not intimidating, I'm not aggressive, and I've never punched anyone in my entire life. I don't like yelling at people and when they yell at me it makes me cry. So it feels like I don't have any of the characteristics you're Supposed to have, the ones I encounter when I read about what it means to be A Butch. Even people who deconstruct these concepts tend to do it in a way that I don't feel applies to me -- like "yes butches are tough and strong and the provider but they also have tender hearts" etc.
And, also -- a lot of butches talk about how they get read as men and misgendered. And that makes me feel so utterly inadequate because despite not being a woman, I've never been read as a man. Not even now, nine months on testosterone when my voice has broken, even binding, even by complete strangers. People still ma'am me confidently and regularly, and I have no idea what I'm doing to create this impression. It makes me feel so inadequate, and like "clearly I am not masculine enough, because I'm not even being misgendered in the man direction no matter how I dress or what I do."
(Plus personally I'm not an wlw, and what does it mean to be butch when your sexuality isn't centered around women? Mine isn't really centered at all, but I'm slightly more conceptually into men than I am women, I think, in the sense that .6 is a larger number than .4, even though both are very small numbers. But I'm not into men as a woman. It would be closer to say that I'm into them as a man, but "butch" is a very not-a-man gender style in some ways because it's usually contrastive -- it's masculinity people don't want you to have. My masculinity isn't gender-conforming even when I'm....positioned in man-ish contexts by the fact that my relationship is Gay and my partner is a Man. Which is. weird. And hard to get my head around, let alone get anyone else's head around it.)
And it's just like...making me think about how standard of masculinity are so harmful and so strong that even when you're not a man, when you're in this space of being a masculine non-man, they still impact you! It seems to be an incredibly common experience to think "well I'd like to be considered masc/butch/stud/ag/whatever but I'm just not masculine/tough/strong enough." It's a mess. Do femmes experience this? I know there's both external and self-driven policing of femininity, absolutely, but I don't know if it takes the specific form of queer folks saying "I can't call myself femme because I'm just not delicate and gentle and emotional enough" or if it's different.
Anyway. I want to be butch. Not a woman, but with the same "well you didn't let me have this but I'm taking it anyway" relationship to masculinity that butch women often have. It's a label that feels good to me. Even though dom and top and butch are not interchangeable, there's a lot of dom top butches, and that makes me feel good. I'm from a working-class background and the roots of butch in working-class culture make me feel more at home, less pressured (even as I simultaneously feel imposter-y because I have an academic job). I don't want to be thought of as soft, and I don't want my masculinity to be soft. It's queer, sometimes leaning in the direction of Obviously Queer Guy, which is obviously less intense and unambiguous than straight men's masculinity. But I don't think that makes it soft. (I'd honestly rather describe it as flaming.) And it's not that I think I need to be un-soft, but rather that I want permission to be un-soft when I need to. I want to be allowed to be hard, and unyielding, and have those be positive characteristics. I want to not have to accommodate everyone and not fee guilty for it.
So, to me, butchness offers a way of healing from Enforced Softness, and that means a lot to me. And I don't want to give it up, even though I don't feel I've earned it or am allowed to claim it. But it's also like, what the heck is a gender, you know?
I've been thinking a lot lately about butchness, and reading a lot lately about butchness, because it feels like the kind of thing you can't develop in isolation. And I've been reading all these essays from places like autostraddle from people who identify as masculine-of-center in some ways. And a lot of them say things like "I don't use the word butch to describe myself because I don't feel like I've earned it because I'm not dysphoric enough", or "I don't use the word butch because my masculinity is softer than that", or "I feel a sense of disconnect from butch-ness because I'm middle class and have an academic job" and stuff like that. And how common it is for women especially to use the phrase "soft butch" to describe their masculinity, feeling a need to qualify it.
And I'm thinking about like....I've shied away from identifying as butch -- in a major way because it's popularly connected with "woman" and specifically "wlw" in ways that are messy for me as a genderqueer aro ace person, but also, very much not insignificantly, because I don't feel like I'm masculine enough, no matter how I dress. Even now, when I don't think I've worn anything from the women's section in about six months. Not that that's a good marker, but it's like, I'm demonstrably not presenting in a way that anyone's liable to read as feminine and I haven't in quite a while.
But in my heart I feel like I'm not masculine enough not just because I used to dress more feminine than I wanted to, but really because I don't have an emotional masculinity in some way. Like...I'm disabled. I can't drive. I'm EXTREMELY anxious. I'm chirpy with strangers in a way that I hate because it feels strange and foreign but it was trained into me and it's hard for me not to do it. I'm desperately accommodating and terrible at protecting my boundaries. I'm not intimidating, I'm not aggressive, and I've never punched anyone in my entire life. I don't like yelling at people and when they yell at me it makes me cry. So it feels like I don't have any of the characteristics you're Supposed to have, the ones I encounter when I read about what it means to be A Butch. Even people who deconstruct these concepts tend to do it in a way that I don't feel applies to me -- like "yes butches are tough and strong and the provider but they also have tender hearts" etc.
And, also -- a lot of butches talk about how they get read as men and misgendered. And that makes me feel so utterly inadequate because despite not being a woman, I've never been read as a man. Not even now, nine months on testosterone when my voice has broken, even binding, even by complete strangers. People still ma'am me confidently and regularly, and I have no idea what I'm doing to create this impression. It makes me feel so inadequate, and like "clearly I am not masculine enough, because I'm not even being misgendered in the man direction no matter how I dress or what I do."
(Plus personally I'm not an wlw, and what does it mean to be butch when your sexuality isn't centered around women? Mine isn't really centered at all, but I'm slightly more conceptually into men than I am women, I think, in the sense that .6 is a larger number than .4, even though both are very small numbers. But I'm not into men as a woman. It would be closer to say that I'm into them as a man, but "butch" is a very not-a-man gender style in some ways because it's usually contrastive -- it's masculinity people don't want you to have. My masculinity isn't gender-conforming even when I'm....positioned in man-ish contexts by the fact that my relationship is Gay and my partner is a Man. Which is. weird. And hard to get my head around, let alone get anyone else's head around it.)
And it's just like...making me think about how standard of masculinity are so harmful and so strong that even when you're not a man, when you're in this space of being a masculine non-man, they still impact you! It seems to be an incredibly common experience to think "well I'd like to be considered masc/butch/stud/ag/whatever but I'm just not masculine/tough/strong enough." It's a mess. Do femmes experience this? I know there's both external and self-driven policing of femininity, absolutely, but I don't know if it takes the specific form of queer folks saying "I can't call myself femme because I'm just not delicate and gentle and emotional enough" or if it's different.
Anyway. I want to be butch. Not a woman, but with the same "well you didn't let me have this but I'm taking it anyway" relationship to masculinity that butch women often have. It's a label that feels good to me. Even though dom and top and butch are not interchangeable, there's a lot of dom top butches, and that makes me feel good. I'm from a working-class background and the roots of butch in working-class culture make me feel more at home, less pressured (even as I simultaneously feel imposter-y because I have an academic job). I don't want to be thought of as soft, and I don't want my masculinity to be soft. It's queer, sometimes leaning in the direction of Obviously Queer Guy, which is obviously less intense and unambiguous than straight men's masculinity. But I don't think that makes it soft. (I'd honestly rather describe it as flaming.) And it's not that I think I need to be un-soft, but rather that I want permission to be un-soft when I need to. I want to be allowed to be hard, and unyielding, and have those be positive characteristics. I want to not have to accommodate everyone and not fee guilty for it.
So, to me, butchness offers a way of healing from Enforced Softness, and that means a lot to me. And I don't want to give it up, even though I don't feel I've earned it or am allowed to claim it. But it's also like, what the heck is a gender, you know?
no subject
I really like seeing your thoughts about gender, because in some ways I think that a lot of my thoughts about gender are reactive? Like, do I even have a gender save in response to others' genders? (Again, this is why butch works well for me; it inherently aligns my gender in conversation with others, and thus makes it more stable and less nebulous than it can otherwise be.)
I'm glad my words are helpful!
no subject
(btw, I started watching a little of The Untamed and yes yes the long haired boys! I have to wonder if that was also a factor in my Harry Potter phase (probably.) The LOTR elves? (probably.))
no subject
no subject